The avocado tree from which 98 percent of all California avocados descended has died in La Habra Heights at the age of seventy-six. It will be buried along with an extremely large bowl of chips.

---Keith Olbermann One of the things you learn when you become a parent is the horrible thought that your children will be your children for the rest of your life. That's why there's death.

---Bill Cosby Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Senator Ted Kennedy. Did you see the two of them standing next to each other on the news? Looked like one of those before-and-after ads for the twenty-four-hour fitness centers.

---Jay Leno Former Royal Naval Lieutenant commander Patrick Dalzel-Job, the British war hero who was the inspiration for the character James Bond, died at the age of ninety. His family was shaken, not stirred. ---Jimmy Fallon Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR.

" What's my mother going to do? ---Steven Wright In the old days people who smoked enjoyed smoking. When I was in the navy, I saw guys smoking a cigarette while they showered.

I remember a great sign over a urinal: "Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light.

" ---Bill Cosby Before we got engaged he never farted. Now it's a second language. ---Caroline Rhea Yesterday was Groundhog Day. If I wanted to se a rat come out of a hole I would go to Dunkin' Donuts. ---David Letterman You know what people do to rental cars.

My mother will not drive fifty-five miles an hour you put her in a rental car and she's doing donuts in the grocery store parking lot. ---Jeff Foxworthy All men feel deep down inside that they are, in fact, perfect in every way. It's their mother's fault. If you happen to mention that you also find this true, they will think you're a genius and will be much more likely to do almost any dang thing you tell them.

---Patricia Heaton Crunch gym is offering a training program called "Meet Your Match, " which combines exercise classes with singles dating activities. And you thought you already worked hard not fart during yoga. ---Tina Fay I got a waterbed. My husband stocked it with trout. ---Joan Rivers So many great restaurants in New York. I know this little place near me--well, it's not so much a restaurant as it is a cart, but it is the best meat-on-a-stick in the city. ---Jerry Seinfeld The guy brain cannot handle all these consumer choices.

The guy brain is designed to deal with deeper philosophical issues, such as: "What size TV do I need?" Answer: "A bigger one." ---Dave Barry I don't think my family liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

---Woody Allen According to a brand-new report, alcohol abuse is on the rise in Ireland. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink, now does. ---Conan O'Brien I have trouble with the language in England. someone called with a teatime. I thought he meant golf...

I was the only one there stirring my tea with a seven-iron. ---Bob Hope I like a woman with a head on her shoulders.

I hate necks. ---Steve Martin I know nothing about sex because I was always married. ---Zsa Zsa Garbor Today is Valentine's Day and I could tell because today, well, each day there is a guy who stands outside the Ed Sullivan Theater and when I get here each day he flips me off.

Well, today he flipped me off and then gave me a heart-shaped pendant. ---David Letterman